Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
