Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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