I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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