I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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