Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Mom said you looked used
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
