i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
