I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
