2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
