I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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