she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
