you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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