C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
