this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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