i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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