I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
