My liver just broke up with me...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
she peed on how many people?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
