I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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