just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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