You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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