I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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