Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
