Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Randomize
