just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
