The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
