i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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