Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
