No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
