You're earring is so big in my mouth
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
