Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
