i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
