I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
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