I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
