You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
