don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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