just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
