Swine flu. Run for my life!
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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