chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
