Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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