Will you blow on my dice?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
