My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
