My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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