The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
