I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
