Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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