remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
