did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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