Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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