I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
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i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
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My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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