Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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