After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
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