capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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