wrigley field is MILF paradise
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
