i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
