We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
