Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
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