My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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