He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
